Want to write your memoir but can't seem to get started?

My mother has been saying she’d like to write her memoirs for the last year. She’s determined to do it, and she’s got no shortage of stories to tell. She has a vision for it all in her mind, and she’s a very competent communicator. As far as she can see, she should be nearly finished on it by now…

However, despite all her stories, capability and determination, it’s just not happening. A year on, she’s beginning to grow a little frustrated by the project before a single word has been put onto paper.

It’s a scenario I hear often in writing groups, and it’s a problem that can be overcome. I think there are at least 8 reasons behind the lack of progress.

Cause#1: Writing Sucks

The first, and most painful, is the horrible realisation that all those beautifully composed sentences in your mind somehow get ruined as they travel down your neck, into your arms and out through your fingers.

Writing is like having a baby that you have to form in your womb by reaching into your own darkness with your bare hands. It’s complex and messy. It makes you doubt everything you ever knew about yourself, your motives, your abilities and your staying power.

You just have to write anyway, despite all those feelings. There’s no way round this one. Force your bottom into the chair and keep doing so until the job is done.

It surprises people who don’t write regularly, how hard this is to do. It seems like a dream, to sit and write all day, but the reality is, when you do it, it feels like hard work.

The good news is, once you start doing it, that feeling wears off quite quickly and you’ll suddenly realise an hour has passed and you’ve been utterly, blissfully unconsciously and yet fully yourself for that entire time. That’s the feeling that’ll make you want to write more.

And then, the next time you come to write, you find it’s the last thing you want to do.

That’s just writing. It’s probably just the same as running or cleaning… you only really love it after you’ve done it.

Cause#2: Your notebook is too beautiful

You want to write your story: you’ve got so much you want to say, and you’ve treated yourself to a gorgeous new notebook specifically to say those things.

You open that beautiful first page and stare at it, and you think… My words aren’t as beautiful as this notebook!

And then you shut the notebook, and decide, I’ll wait until I have words worthy of that gorgeous notebook, and only then will I write them down.

And so the notebook sits on your shelf, gathering a layer of dust, attracting the odd home-making spider’s attention, and every time you see it, it whispers, You never did have any words good enough, did you?

There is no notebook on earth as beautiful as the stories you have to tell.

I know this for a fact because I have run groups with hundreds of writers at every level, and every single one of them told me stories that have stayed with me for years, enchanting and delighting at every recollection.

What you have to share is valuable and beautiful.

So, forget the beautiful notebook syndrome. Enjoy the stationery (I speak as one who sometimes feels I only write to justify an addiction to beautiful stationery) but remember: the stationery is just the vehicle. It’s just the container. Scribble, scrawl, scratch things out. Cover it in highlighters and red pen. Doodle. ~~Rip out a page if needs be.~~ Forget that, don’t rip out pages. You never know when you might come back to something you thought was bad and find a golden nugget in there. Keep it all, the good, the bad and the ugly.

So many beautiful notebooks, so little time…

Cause#3: First drafts stink

Don’t expect to write the memoir you want in one go.

Treat it as a project that you’ll be tinkering with – and expect to tinker a lot. Maybe even come to enjoy the tinkering.

Writing is like weaving cloth then making a suit. Your first draft is the weave. You’ll end up with a huge, unwieldy thing. Then you start to cut it, and shape it, and add the button holes and pockets, the details that make it dazzling.

But just like making a suit, you need a pattern.

Cause#4: The blank page leaves you blank

People are often very resistant to structure. They seem to think it will stifle their creativity. The opposite is true.

Structure is form, not formula. All suits have trousers and a jacket, right? But a Chanel suit is quite different from an Alexander McQueen suit, and different again from a Marks and Spencer suit. Your style will not be hampered by using structure.

A great way to approach a memoir is by listing. Margaret Forster’s memoir, My Life In Houses uses all the homes she’s lived in to give a snapshot of different stages of her life.

From her childhood home to her university digs, the flat she first rented as a newly wed, the first family home where babies were born, and the holiday homes she was lucky enough to own throughout her life. Each home is like a brick-built-box stuffed full of memories.

You could use the houses you’ve lived in, or perhaps the cities or countries. You could use the food you’ve loved and hated, the movies you’ve seen, the shoes you’ve worn…

Forster uses a different house for each chapter, and there’s her structure laid out. Imagine the empowering feeling of having such accessible starting points for writing! You could have those, too. Just make your list, and choose an item for each chapter heading.

It doesn’t even need to be a single-subject list. You could have chapters headed, Shoes; Pets; Food; Schools; Embarrassing Moments; Holidays; Disasters; Favourite Records… The choice is as wild and varied as you are. The joy will be the structure you give yourself – the basis of the suit you’re cutting – which you can then embellish in whatever way you like.

Structure really is your friend. And I speak as one who hates keeping a diary, doing life admin, planning any sort of event or committing to anything at all. When it comes to writing, structure just helps.

The intimidating perfection of the blank page

Cause#5: I don’t feel very inspired…

Don’t wait for inspiration to strike, go searching for it.

Look back through old photographs; reread old letters and diaries; have a Google to see what national and international events were going on during your lifetime and see what memories those trigger.

Go for a walk around a neighbourhood that means something to you; wander around a gallery or stare at a painting on your own wall; listen to songs you remember from different periods of your life; watch movies you loved as a teenager… Just make sure you do it all with a notebook and pen to hand, to catch anything that surfaces.

You need a full, deep well to draw from, and you have to fill it yourself. Sitting at a desk waiting for the muse to strike is a Hollywood fantasy. If you want to get the job done, you have to take yourself seriously as a creative person and actively absorb, think and reflect.

Just keep yourself armed at all times with a notebook and pen: I often find ideas come when I’m in the bath (much easier to take a notebook into than the shower). Sometimes I don’t bother taking a notebook in: I’ll remember any ideas, I think. I never do. Ideas seem to vanish like dreams upon waking.

What will others think when they read what I’ve written?

Cause#6: I’m worried about what my friends and family will think

If you worry about your readers, you’ll either freeze up and never write anything, or you’ll edit everything you write so that you never offend anyone.

You need to write your first draft as if it will never be seen by anyone but you. Write freely, and write your truth. After all, whose story are you writing? Yours! And you are the expert on you.

In fact, you are the world’s leading expert on you. So, write your truth with confidence.

Cause#7: I don’t want to open up old wounds

Writing can be like opening a vein onto the page: it’s ultimately therapeutic, but the process forces you to perhaps confront things you’d rather not dwell on.

Be prepared that not all memories are going to be happy. It’s up to you which moments of your life you choose to explore. If you’re feeling low, maybe just stick to writing about cheerful times.

Don’t feel you have to open up to all the misery. No guilt, no right or wrong way: this is your memoir.

Margaret Forster gives away very little of how she felt about things in her memoir, and that’s fine. The stories are still beautifully written and engaging.

Cause#8: I’ve read too many How To Write blogs…

I know, I know. But it’s true.

The more you read about how to write your memoir, the more overwhelmed you are likely to become.

Don’t overthink this. Scribble a list of things you’d like to cover, then just pick one and begin.

Remember, you won’t feel like doing it, and it won’t be perfect first time. But, as you write, there will be sublime moments of everything you ever felt, all shared with the page that never judges you.

You never need to show it to anybody else, but if you do, what a privilege for them to read the stories of your life, from the number one world’s expert: the one who was there at the time, feeling it, living it.

And, on that note, I’ll leave you to it.